This will conclude from Maryanne Comaroto’s Friday guest post about letting go. I just finished six years of watching Lost last night with my wife and I thought how ironic given Maryanne’s post!

While you’re at it, why not let go of your hopes, dreams, and fears, as well? That you’ll be a huge success someday. That you’ll never be more than mediocre. That you’ll die alone. That true love will fix everything. That you’ll be happy when you lose the weight. That revealing your true feelings will turn people off. That you can do or be anything if you just apply yourself diligently enough. That the people with the money control everything. That you’ll meet the right person if you just rewrite your online dating profile to make yourself sound more interesting. Let it all go.

And your semantics, let go of those, too. That home is a certain place, or a certain set of people. That you have a favorite book, a favorite song, a favorite color. That you don’t like seafood, that you prefer cold weather. That you enjoy road trips, but hate flying. That there’s a certain type of person you’re attracted to, and a certain type you’d never date. That anything ever changes. That anything ever stays the same. Let all those ideas go.

That people are generally good, that people are inherently dishonest, that people from with certain nationalities or religious beliefs can’t be trusted. Let all those thoughts and opinions go. That global warming will kill us all soon anyway, that the hole in the ozone layer is closing, that life is not fair, that these are the best times and we’d better take advantage of them before.

Let me know how you plan on letting go of Lost or whatever!

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Maryanne Comaroto asks some fundamentally human questions around doing what would seem impossible: letting go. Of course, it’s not actually impossible, it just seems like it!

If you’ve had challenges around this,  let me know what happened.

Attachment is a funny thing. We are attached to everything – our opinions, our identities, our beliefs about how things are, our beliefs about how things should be, our beliefs about who we are. We define ourselves by these attachments, and yet… what if you simply decided to let go?

What if you let go of your anger at the injustice in the world, and of your frustration that the next-door neighbors seem to work less and have more than you? What if you simply let go of your running tally of who has been good to you, who was never good enough, and who still owes you?

You could expand this idea, and start letting go of your thoughts about politicians, about celebrities, or about your co-workers. About your boss, and how you could do a much better job of running the company. About all the things you’re proud of having done, and all the things you regret. All your perceived accomplishments; all your perceived failures. Just let it all go.

What would it be like if you suddenly stopped hanging on to all your notions about how you come across to others? That you’re the kind of person who seems intelligent, who doesn’t eat meat, who is generous, who is shy, who enjoys live theater, who can’t hold down a steady job, who influences others, who is easy to get along with. That you’re the predator, the prey, the wallflower, the social butterfly. That you try your hardest but just can’t get a break. That you make it all look effortless. All those things you make sure people see in you – just let them all go.

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Getting past your fears, whether the fear of rejection or speaking in public will lead you to great success. In this dating diamond, Maryanne Comaroto helps you get past them. This concludes from yesterday’s last post.

I stopped myself. Here’s the deal, sweetie, I gently but firmly say to myself, hoping to interrupt what how now become completely paranoid and insane behavior. Have you noticed, Maryanne, that every time you get on an airplane some part of you searches for any warning that the plane will go down, and it’s never happened?

I liked that. My inner parent is great.  Anyway, what are you going to do, never get on a plane? Live your life trying to dodge every Tom, Dick and terrorist attack lookalike? No. God is not some guy in the sky. God is the great Divine and you are not this little body, you are a big, magnificent spirit on a purpose-filled mission ~ when it’s your time, it’s your time. That’s all. I eased back into the seat, comforted by the resounding truth of my words.

I remembered in that moment how far I had come from not even being able to set foot on a plane many years ago, or even leave my house, as I suffered from the worst kind of anxiety disorder. Never having taken medication, I struggled and fought to heal myself and today I sat, still and calm, taking a moment to praise myself for the progress I have made.

I am reminded again of the story about a Shaman who used to gather the children of the village each new moon to tell the story of the dark and white wolf. It is said that the dark and white wolf have battled since the beginning; the dark wolf grows strong when he is fed fear, lies, greed, dishonesty, and the like. The white wolf grows stronger with love, compassion, truth and care. The children would squeal with delight as he would recount their battles, and at the end of the story beg “Tell us who won the fight, grandfather?” to which he would reply. “Whichever one you feed, my child!” Free will is indeed the final answer.

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Getting past fear, whether the fear of rejection or speaking in public, will lead you to great success. In this dating diamond, Maryanne Comaroto helps you get past them.

Yesterday started like many another: I woke up. Normally I am grateful I’m on the right side of the ground, count up the hours I slept peacefully, pause to recall and explore my dreams, evaluate any disturbances and inquire into my feeling state. Then I ritually discuss mutual inquiry with my husband.

Except on this morning I skipped the gratitude, climbed over my anxiety, and went straight to how many hours of sleep I had accrued. Deciding I had enough, I detached my cat from my face and half-heartedly asked my husband how he had slept. Looking back, I can see I had fed the wrong wolf—and off I went, spiraling towards the vortex.

I raced to beat the clock; we had to be at the airport by 8am, it was 6:20, and I was standing there in my jammies machinating over whether or not the heavy rain would delay our flight. Thundershowers were expected. While I showered I imagined our plane being tossed into oblivion amidst lightning and thunder, spat into the abyss.

The plane was on time. A good augur, I decided. I stowed my bag overhead, happy there was room. And I went back to stressful thinking. Sit down, other people are getting on, and anyway God’s not going to kill you and David at the same time, it’s not possible that you both have the exact same exit strategy. Some relief came over me. Then I thought, Right, my girlfriend died on a plane and my other girlfriend’s husband, so the odds of me dying on a plane are about…well they’re astronomical. Right? What about terrorists? Does that person look like a terrorist?

Are you letting fear into your life? Take a minute to meditate – everyone has time if you multitask! Maryanne shows us how in this week’s video blog: http://bit.ly/d3mtuP. And catch Maryanne at the Oscars talking with Project Runway stars, Star Trek actresses, Tara Reid and more: http://youtube.com/maryannelive11

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This dating diamond from Maryanne Comaroto concludes from the previous post.

Repetitious behavior in and of itself is not inherently bad; we count on some of our repetitive behaviors to create success. It’s when repetitious behavior is deleterious or destructive that we need to be concerned. At which point, if we can catch it, we have an invitation for self-inquiry and deeper examination. We can take an investigative look at what we really long for or need. Then we can choose conscious, healthy ways of giving ourselves just that, so we can avoid harming ourselves and anyone else any further.

I know, how boring! Bring me the drama, I like the bad boys and the tortured souls, it’s so much more interesting and fun. Maybe…temporarily. I would argue that in the long run it’s depleting and soul-sucking, and often proves to be dangerous. If you think you might be one of the hundreds of thousands of people affected by relationship addiction each year, here’s a quiz that may help you tell:

? Do you feel a kind of high when this person calls or makes contact with you?
? Does your attraction seem somehow bigger than you?
? Do you feel agitated or restless when you don’t know where they are?
? Is there a sense of the forbidden in the relationship?
? Do you find yourself doing (or not doing) things you normally would (or would not) with this person?
? Have you found yourself increasingly rationalizing their actions or behavior?
? Do you feel more insecure or suspicious than usual, in this relationship?
? Do you find yourself trying to be sexier, more accommodating or agreeable, in hopes of holding this person’s interest?
? Does this person display behaviors and values that you find dissimilar to your own?
? Do you know deep inside that this person isn’t right for you, but something keeps you there?
? Do you feel empty or ultimately unfulfilled by this person and the relationship as time has gone by?
? Has the relationship negatively affected any of your other relationships with children, family or friends?
? Do you, despite knowing the relationship is unhealthy or even a dangerous relationship addiction, keep finding reasons to stay?

Admitting some of these things to ourselves can be very uncomfortable, never mind make you feel incredibly vulnerable. There is usually a great degree of silent shame felt by many of us who are in or have had an addictive kind of relationship experience. The flip side is, sometimes admitting that can be a relief.

Awareness is key, and a good first step if you suspect you are in a addictive relationship. And I applaud you for having the courage to look. To you, I would say: keep your eyes open and maybe start a journal. More will be revealed. Denial is the real threat, so watch for your tendency to start rationalizing unacceptable behavior. Depression is another sign that we might be in an addictive relationship. The highs and lows start to wear on you, and you’re just not yourself these days. Now the good in the relationship is starting to be outweighed by the bad. Whatever the case, beating yourself up or heading for the Haagen Dasz isn’t going to help. If you suspect your dependent relationship might be heading towards an addictive one, there are a great many people and organizations dedicated to helping men and women deal with addictive relationships and patterns that can support you in getting you and your love life back on track! You can try your local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous for starters.

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Hope you like this Greek style dating diamond from Maryanne Comaroto!

The Greeks had five words to describe the different levels of love: eros, passionate love, essential desire and longing, romantic love; philia, friendship, loyalty; storge, natural affection; agape, selfless giving; and thelema, desire or will to do something. In the English language we have many states of feeling that describe different elements of love: idolization, affection, devotion, worship, infatuation, lust, passion and rapture. None of which are synonyms for love, as we only have the one word for that, love itself. My husband and I, who have spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over the finer points of love’s various meanings, have come up with our own adaptation that was part of our sacred marriage vows: I want what you want for yourself.

Then there is another subcategory of love we Westerners recognize as being “in love.” It’s a kind of “objective” love: the state in which we project our affection onto another person and vice versa, which evolves into a more mature version, characterized as an act of giving without expectation, i.e. respect, affection, adoration, etc.

And then (I could go on and on down that rabbit hole, but won’t) there’s the growing phenomenon of addiction. According to the current DSM manual, relationship addiction falls under the category of process addiction, which means it’s behavior-related. Webster’s defines it as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice, or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its sensation causes trauma (an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to a person’s psychological development, often leading to neurosis). As opposed to the etymological definition, addiction, meaning to surrender to, or a giving over of. No matter how you slice it, addictive relationship or love is in a class all by itself, and when unattended can lead us into some real dark and potentially dangerous places for everyone involved!

I believe what the brilliant author and spiritual leader Thomas Moore asserts: that most addictive behavior is a misinterpretation or distortion of our soul’s longing. And have come to notice over the years that when we don’t really know who we are, what we want and what we feel, we don’t know what we need. We are far more likely to succumb to those potentially destructive, unconscious, programmed behaviors we learned as kids to temporarily alleviate or quench those longings. Behaviors we adopted as a means to comfort ourselves, in particular the ones closely associated with being externally referenced that fall into the “object love” category—which many times sets us up for addictive relationships when unchecked.

This dating diamond concludes next…

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You’re probably asking why has it taken so long to get MaryAnne Comorato to spwak out on Tiger Woods? Well here’s your answer in this weeks dating diamond!

Tiger Woods hits the front pages, and instead of fans cheering they’re reeling from his admission of foul play. Gasp! “Powerful men have a higher sex drive,” says one expert; “Men are just wired that way,” says another. “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—at least come up with something original.

Instead of acquiescing to what’s PC and getting on the oh-so-boring, poor, poor, sex-depraved male bandwagon, how about I direct your attention over here, to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.

Well, even if you are Tiger woods or Elin Woods, I say that dating and mating don’t have to be so hard!

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Maryanne Comaroto has done it again with her insightful way of cutting to the dating diamond! This guest post concludes from Friday’s post and will wrap it up in a nice little bow so enjoy!

Rather, most of us sidle up to our relationship candidates, seducer or seductress in full force, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our hostage. The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced ourselves into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from/tried to camouflage or hide/temporarily derailed/quelled return. Only, oddly, we look at the person we’re dating and think they now are the culprit! The relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!” Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves we must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in sickness and health, until death do you part.

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This time Maryanne has come out fighting! Well, not exactly with fists of fury, but she does explode the myths that might be holding you back from dating the true love of your life!

Top 5 male mating myths

? All the good ones are taken
? A man’s penis has a mind of its own
? All men only want one thing
? Men are dogs
? Good guys are boring

So let’s start at the beginning:

? All the good ones are taken
Let’s start with the word ALL. Right away, this sweeping generalization has to tip you off to the fact that’s it not even possible to get around to all 3.4 billion members of the male population to test this ridiculous yet popular notion. Instead, this is an idea conjured from a deeply lacking mentality. I have never believed this. Rather, I thought “So many men, so little time.” And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. Remember, water seeks its own level—like attracts like! OUCH, I know, that stings, and sucks to be with. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available to date or mate is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know this—until you do, in the long run, neither will anyone else!

? A man’s penis has a mind of its own

Really. This may be the world’s oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think you’ll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case you’re the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason.” Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!

? All men only want one thing

That’s so insulting, not to mention untrue. Donald, my fish, wants more than that. Think about it. If it were true, men would never get into dating relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do—but don’t sell yourself short.
It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value that most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. Again, go to the mirror. What do you value most about yourself –really? What do you believe? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief. How much time and energy do you spend trying to be attractive and alluring? Get a handle on your beliefs and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe it’s time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what you’re putting out there in the dating poo. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, you’re 100 times more likely to attract the same!

? Men are dogs

If you approach any man thinking he’s a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; don’t make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone you’re interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships, dating or otherwise (even friendship!), require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. It’s the loving thing to do. We don’t need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesn’t jive with what you want for yourself in a date or a partner and respectfully—GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!

? Good guys are boring!

Yeah, if you’re a drama junkie. Well, are you? My mother, God bless her, said something to me I have never forgotten. I made the mistake of telling her I was bored once, when I was probably 10 or 11. She smiled and looked squarely at my little face and said simply, “Well, honey, if you’re bored, you’re boring.” I don’t think I’ve been bored a moment since. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think it’s a man’s job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!

Whether dating or mating Maryanne Comorato will tell you like it is!

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Come on ladies! I know what you’re thinking! I can read you like the back of a book and I know you like the back of my hand.

What exactly do I know?

I know that you have been wondering for a long time what it would be like to be dating Rosanne’s Tom Arnold!

Now that you know don’t you feel much better?

Whether it’s dating Tom Arnold or someone else, dating doesn’t have to be so hard!

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