This will conclude from Maryanne Comaroto’s Friday guest post about letting go. I just finished six years of watching Lost last night with my wife and I thought how ironic given Maryanne’s post!

While you’re at it, why not let go of your hopes, dreams, and fears, as well? That you’ll be a huge success someday. That you’ll never be more than mediocre. That you’ll die alone. That true love will fix everything. That you’ll be happy when you lose the weight. That revealing your true feelings will turn people off. That you can do or be anything if you just apply yourself diligently enough. That the people with the money control everything. That you’ll meet the right person if you just rewrite your online dating profile to make yourself sound more interesting. Let it all go.

And your semantics, let go of those, too. That home is a certain place, or a certain set of people. That you have a favorite book, a favorite song, a favorite color. That you don’t like seafood, that you prefer cold weather. That you enjoy road trips, but hate flying. That there’s a certain type of person you’re attracted to, and a certain type you’d never date. That anything ever changes. That anything ever stays the same. Let all those ideas go.

That people are generally good, that people are inherently dishonest, that people from with certain nationalities or religious beliefs can’t be trusted. Let all those thoughts and opinions go. That global warming will kill us all soon anyway, that the hole in the ozone layer is closing, that life is not fair, that these are the best times and we’d better take advantage of them before.

Let me know how you plan on letting go of Lost or whatever!

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Maryanne Comaroto asks some fundamentally human questions around doing what would seem impossible: letting go. Of course, it’s not actually impossible, it just seems like it!

If you’ve had challenges around this,  let me know what happened.

Attachment is a funny thing. We are attached to everything – our opinions, our identities, our beliefs about how things are, our beliefs about how things should be, our beliefs about who we are. We define ourselves by these attachments, and yet… what if you simply decided to let go?

What if you let go of your anger at the injustice in the world, and of your frustration that the next-door neighbors seem to work less and have more than you? What if you simply let go of your running tally of who has been good to you, who was never good enough, and who still owes you?

You could expand this idea, and start letting go of your thoughts about politicians, about celebrities, or about your co-workers. About your boss, and how you could do a much better job of running the company. About all the things you’re proud of having done, and all the things you regret. All your perceived accomplishments; all your perceived failures. Just let it all go.

What would it be like if you suddenly stopped hanging on to all your notions about how you come across to others? That you’re the kind of person who seems intelligent, who doesn’t eat meat, who is generous, who is shy, who enjoys live theater, who can’t hold down a steady job, who influences others, who is easy to get along with. That you’re the predator, the prey, the wallflower, the social butterfly. That you try your hardest but just can’t get a break. That you make it all look effortless. All those things you make sure people see in you – just let them all go.

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This Maryanne Comaroto dating gem concludes from yesterday’s post.

“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.

What the heck does this have to do with dating and relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!

It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things.

So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!

You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person you’re dating that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.

1. One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!
2. Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?
3. Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.
4. Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!

Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!

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So What are the top 10 qualities you would want in a Partner? Maryanne Comaroto thinks she knows them, so why not sit down and give her your ear? This dating and relationship diamond concludes from yesterday’s post on the same subject and gives some insight into the male mindset. You’ll definitely want to read this! Hope you enjoy!

1) Great in the sack

2) Great in the sack

3) Great in the sack

4) Great in the sack

5) Great in the sack…

Sorry.. I know I am going too fast–I do that sometimes–but did you get that so far, ’cause I have 5 to go… but – you already know what the rest of them are. Exactly–great in the sack, great in the sack, great in the sack, great in the sack, great in the sack.

Now then while I am sure JACK has some motivation for telling this story, other than to humiliate men for making them appear as though they have no discretion when it comes to dating and sex –which would really be like saying men are stupid (that can’t be true). Perhaps he’s simply lost his way. I must give him credit for the fact that he apparently asked these gentleman to rethink the question, and they did come up with some insightful, significant qualities they are looking for in their relationships with women.

Apparently our friend (who now shall, for his own protection, remain nameless) has not been informed that hormonal litmus testing is medieval, that we live in houses now, we even read and write. (How did he miss that?) We have developed skills in the dating game beyond pounce and attack. How does someone who is in the position of teaching open, impressionable people get away with spouting ancient stereotypes like he was proud of the “well-known fact” that men often think with their smorgasbords?

The point is–well, one point is: Making love is an art – and it’s not just about the sex. It’s no wonder so many women think being great in the sack is a good investment of their time. How about we all revisit that list, people…take pen and paper and really make a list. Look and see what unconscious ideas you may have about the other sex…’cause when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

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So What are the top 10 qualities you would want in a Partner? Maryanne Comaroto thinks she knows them, so why not sit down and give her your ear? The conclusion to this post will come tomorrow and be the capper to the week. You’ll definitely want to remember to stay tuned! Hope you enjoy!

I heard the most evil thing the other day. My definition of evil is often flexible, lying somewhere in between totally heinous and completely ridiculous. This story falls in there–you decide for yourself.

My gal pal told me she read a book this guy wrote, a so-called “dating expert.” ( If I had one less scruple, I might tell you his name–for now, we’ll call him something friendly, like Penile Supremacist…PS for short. Fine–forget that, let’s just call him Jack. There! Who can argue with that?) So JACK made quite an impression on my not-so-easily-impressionable gal pal recently. She rang me straight away to give me the scoop.

“Maryanne, you’re not going to believe what @#$% says in his book!” She’s known me for 15 years now, knows that in general male/female dating issues have been in my top 10 list of favorite things to get bunged up about…particularly when they’re coming from downwind, let’s say. Historically, she delivers the message and then runs for cover. As she started recounting “The top10 qualities women are looking for in relationship with men,” my eyes started rolling back in my head. (I get bored easily sometimes.) Here’s all I can remember:

1) Presence

2) Intelligence

3) Sense of humor

However, I perked up a bit when she started on the men’s list, which I remember every detail of, luckily. You have to be so excited–are you? I mean, finally someone is willing to divulge such privileged information–top 10 qualities men are looking for in relationship with YOU! Here they are, in order of importance:

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Editor’s Note: I’ve been lucky enough to get, Maryanne Comaroto, internationally know relationship expert and radio host, to guest blog once or twice a week for the next ten weeks! What follows is pure dating and relationship gold that’s been mined from the deep and fertile depths of Maryanne’s rich experience.

Today’s post concerns respect for others whether you’re dating, divorced or married to them. While Maryanne directs this at men only, I respectfully ask that you read this post carefully as it my open your eyes as to the quality of your love life.

Guys, this one’s for you – and ladies, feel free to pass it on to any guy you know in your life who’s on a path toward thinking holistically about love, relationships and family.
In my work over the past two-plus decades, I’ve focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship tool belt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.
But I’m also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.

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